Making Peace

The other day I was talking to Chris and he asked me how I find time to work on blogging. I told him that I have to make the time, it is how I keep from getting lost. Later I really started thinking about that question. I originally started blogging because I needed that connection with other people who understand our life. I needed a place to turn in those times when you really have questions and are totally stumped. I craved to not feel so alone. Yes, my blog is also a place to vent. I don't want to have a blog that is all gloom but I need a place to talk about what is in my head, things I can not talk to my family about.

We have often talked about that cycle that we all, patients and caregivers, get caught in. There are times that we get overwhelmed with the fears and exhausted from the 24/7 of chronic illness. We have times that we try to ignore it all and be a "normal" person or family. There are those moments when we are content and happy. Sometimes we also just get angry. It is comforting to know there is a place to "go", such as our blogs and the DOC, where people understand. They will overlook our outbursts when we are having a bad day and still be our friend the next. They will offer up the support you need in the moment, knowing the favor will be returned with open hearts and minds. They celebrate everything with us from the little silly things to major accomplishments and even those moments that the healthy world just would not understand.

Yes, I said the healthy world. I know I am just a caregiver but I do not feel a part of the healthy world. I may be healthy in body but I carry the weight of each illness and condition in my mind, heart and soul every minute of every day. I said one day that there are moments when you just want to run away from it all. This statement upset my husband. I do not mean that I want to run from my family, I just want to run away from everything that is in my head. I am quite sure everyone feels that way sometimes, it is normal right?

I want to run from the constant monitoring and counting and adjusting that comes with diabetes. I want to run from the learning curve I am in while trying to find tools that help a child with Asperger's. I want to run from the extreme tug of war that goes on with one child who is so desperately scheduled that he melts down over changes of plan and the other child that has a busy schedule that changes at the drop of a hat. I want to run from the battle of trying to help my husband manage his MS and symptoms without feeling or coming off as a control freak. I want to run from the sword of the unknown that hangs about our heads with MS. I want to run from the random fevers that Sarah gets without any apparent cause. I want to run from the financial noose that restricts everything. I want to run from the well meaning family and friends who say things that hurt just because they do not understand. I want to run from the thought that money and power will always stop a cure, any cure. I want to run from all the planning and meetings with schools and doctors that it takes to just make sure your child is able to be like any other child. There are lots of things I want to run from, but never my family.

Maybe I am just tired. I am in a place where I feel very happy and content with my life, I know how very much I have to be thankful for. I know there are families dealing with so much worse. I just have this powerful need to cry, regroup and move on. Do you think it is ever possible to really make peace with it all? There is always hope, right?